Black & White Photo

Mama, what do you want me to see
Black and white picture of thee?
You look so young and who are these?
Unknown people to me...
Who are they? Are they family?
I do not know them really

Mama, what do you want me to see
in this photo you look so young but not so free
With that smile that is so fake
You couldn't even cover it with another take

Mama, what do you want me to see
In this photo of a young you
What is it in this picture so true
Yes, you smile but not so genuine
Not even a smile of a heroine

Mama, what do you want me to see
Why so sad in your eyes and teary
I can feel the sadness and pain
What is it? give it a name

This photo black and white
On your face it shines just right
but what I see is not good
because you look so sad and stiff as wood

Mama, what do you want me to see
I know you're hiding but please not from me
Just this moment I appreciate you more
Now I know you need my love for sure
I wish I could have protected you then
From the pits of darkness of a man
Mama, just let me hug you tight
Never letting go and just giving you light
Mama, do not worry
There will be a day when it will not be heavy
When were done we'll be in heaven
When our pain will be gone by then
There will be no man to take advantage of us
Joy will not be destroyed by rust

Lord, please help us heal our broken hearts
Put back together the little parts
Now I know the past in this black and white picture
I can move and let in scripture
Heal my life and let me live
The life I'm meant to give
To the Lord I'm ready to receive
Blessings abundantly that I believe


[I needed to write this poem even though it hurt as I was doing so...]
In this year's retreat revealed so much about my life and answers
to the WHY's I had for so long...please pray for healing in my family.
It seems like I want to cry out WHY...and I am trying to understand
these feelings. I can not see the future yet and how God meant this
for good, but I know it's there. It hurts... I can not lie that it doesn't
and no matter how much I want to be positive, tears just fall. And like
I said before I don't want to blame and I haven't. This is just my time
to grieve, and be sad, and heal. There is so much to look forward for.
I am just glad that my prayers for a bridge to my mother's heart
has been granted. I know now why things are the way they are. And
at the same time, I am crying these tears for her. The things I knew
before have just been wiped out. It's so surreal, like I"m living out
a horrible scene in a movie. I never thought it could happen in my
life.

I'm playing a scene in my head -- I'm a little girl who had just
tripped badly while running. Skinned knee, bleeding palms, and tears
flowing down my cheeks from being hurt. And I just lay there, looking
up at my father. I hold out my arms because I just want him to pick
me up and hold me close. Doesn't matter if I'm still bleeding or my
snot is falling on his shirt or my knees are scraped with dust. I just
want to be held close by someone who loves me. And I can imagine
that this feeling has been with my mom for years and years. She just wanted
someone to hold her close, someone who loves her.