introducing caleb

His name is Caleb. He is my 2nd born son. I realized I haven't updated my blog for eons now. This picture is Caleb's dedication day. Blogging...which used to be writing in my diary...was my outlet for my inward chaos. Anywhoooo, I have some discretions now for writing on the internet. I will have to expound later on. Enjoy some Caleb!

An Update on Black & White Photo

It's been almost 2 years since it's been revealed to me about my mother's history and how

much it connects to mine and how I can live from here.

I still grieve. We haven't talked about it since that day. I think it just hurts

her so much. There's so much to put a bandage on. As for me, I don't know

if I have developed a hate for a her family but i still grieve quietly. I know deep

down I have some things to resolve with her.

On top of all of this, I think I'm loosing touch for his attention.

Out of my mind

I don't know what's going on in my head. I'm easily frustrated, thinking of a million
things, worrying about tomorrow, wondering, tired, sad all the time! I don't know.
I have a million lists of things to do and feel like I'm the only one that cares about
accomplishing it. To top it all off, I'm 7 months pregnant! Is this the baby blues?

Can I get mad at my husband?? I just don't know. Please pray for me!!!

Black & White Photo

Mama, what do you want me to see
Black and white picture of thee?
You look so young and who are these?
Unknown people to me...
Who are they? Are they family?
I do not know them really

Mama, what do you want me to see
in this photo you look so young but not so free
With that smile that is so fake
You couldn't even cover it with another take

Mama, what do you want me to see
In this photo of a young you
What is it in this picture so true
Yes, you smile but not so genuine
Not even a smile of a heroine

Mama, what do you want me to see
Why so sad in your eyes and teary
I can feel the sadness and pain
What is it? give it a name

This photo black and white
On your face it shines just right
but what I see is not good
because you look so sad and stiff as wood

Mama, what do you want me to see
I know you're hiding but please not from me
Just this moment I appreciate you more
Now I know you need my love for sure
I wish I could have protected you then
From the pits of darkness of a man
Mama, just let me hug you tight
Never letting go and just giving you light
Mama, do not worry
There will be a day when it will not be heavy
When were done we'll be in heaven
When our pain will be gone by then
There will be no man to take advantage of us
Joy will not be destroyed by rust

Lord, please help us heal our broken hearts
Put back together the little parts
Now I know the past in this black and white picture
I can move and let in scripture
Heal my life and let me live
The life I'm meant to give
To the Lord I'm ready to receive
Blessings abundantly that I believe


[I needed to write this poem even though it hurt as I was doing so...]
In this year's retreat revealed so much about my life and answers
to the WHY's I had for so long...please pray for healing in my family.
It seems like I want to cry out WHY...and I am trying to understand
these feelings. I can not see the future yet and how God meant this
for good, but I know it's there. It hurts... I can not lie that it doesn't
and no matter how much I want to be positive, tears just fall. And like
I said before I don't want to blame and I haven't. This is just my time
to grieve, and be sad, and heal. There is so much to look forward for.
I am just glad that my prayers for a bridge to my mother's heart
has been granted. I know now why things are the way they are. And
at the same time, I am crying these tears for her. The things I knew
before have just been wiped out. It's so surreal, like I"m living out
a horrible scene in a movie. I never thought it could happen in my
life.

I'm playing a scene in my head -- I'm a little girl who had just
tripped badly while running. Skinned knee, bleeding palms, and tears
flowing down my cheeks from being hurt. And I just lay there, looking
up at my father. I hold out my arms because I just want him to pick
me up and hold me close. Doesn't matter if I'm still bleeding or my
snot is falling on his shirt or my knees are scraped with dust. I just
want to be held close by someone who loves me. And I can imagine
that this feeling has been with my mom for years and years. She just wanted
someone to hold her close, someone who loves her.

Raining

Today, it's raining again. It seems like Mr. Sun doesn't ever want to come out.
Some days Mr. Sun and Ms. Clouds are fighting for the right to be in the sky.
Anyway, the weather in my life? Sometimes I'm good...sometimes I'm not.
Being a Full-mommy has it's challenges. It's been really difficult for me because
I have always been independent...And now I'm taking care of 2 individuals...

I came across a blog that I wrote 5-6 years ago. I know right! But I'm so grateful for the
time that I can revisit my writings. I remember years ago that I also wrote that I will have
these writings available for my children because I think it would be a great way for them to intimately know their mother. To read her thoughts and maybe be transported to how she felt that certain moment, that certain day, that certain time. Anyway, here's the blog below...I also need a "refreshment", revisit the past and meditate.

March 4, 2004, 9:20am

OLYMPICS 2004 ATHENS, GREECE.

I guess if you are not with my home church family then you do not (well, theres a possibility other people in church dont know) i am going on a short mission trip this summer in August for the Olympics in Athens. This is something very important for me. I believe that this trip will teach me something about myself and what God wants me to do in the very near future. I never thought that this day would come but since i was a kid, my parents were kind of saying that i was called for a work like this when i grow up.

Well, i'm UP and whatever God wants me to do, (God help me) I will do it because I have spent years living for myself and the time is now to be selfless. I'm excited! I've always wanted to leave the comforts of home and finally know what it's like to live only for the Lord. AND PLUS, this place here where i am makes me too comfortable and lax in my spiritual walk with the Lord. I've always told my sister that I think i'm going to be poor when i grow up. I mean, my job or what i want to do in life will have nothing to do with having a job that pays the big $. I do not want to be dependent on money! I want to know what it's like to solely rely for my basic necessities in the Lord. Not that I want to be poor. I want to know what it's like to live without what people can get here so easily. I've always admired those people at church who hang on the Lord's promises everyday. Every time i think of people or even myself around me have the luxury to buy things so easily, i think about the people on the other side of the globe who have nothing to eat for dinner, have no decent shoes, have no education and worse of all, have no way to hear of the good news. I think that the latter is much worse. Not knowing that you have this person ready to give you of His wealth and so much more that all you have to do is make Him Lord is worse than death itself....wait, it is death."

So, that's my blog of 6 yrs ago. It seemed like it was yesterday. That blog was particular because I have been looking for a job. I have applied tremendously, written so many cover letters. So far, 1 interview. I need to help my partner, my husband in this life we are living. However, I do not want to give up that time with my son. I want to teach him things, be there in his accomplishments, sing songs to him about Jesus. I'm praying to the Lord for 2 things, a job and contentment if it is not His will. That blog struck me because I was willing to be poor, but that was when I was single. Now, I have a family. I don't know if it is pride or just impatience but I quit my full-time job 6 years ago to go back to school because it was the Lord's leading in my life. Now that I graduated the options are not necessarily wide open.

There are other things on my mind that I can not discuss right now. But for now, a job would help my family. Would it be selfish to ask for a job that will allow me to be home most of the time?

I will

....I will put up something soon...
after i organize my living space...

born

now born Javee's blogspot! hahaha