my LifeSongs

It's been almost 2 years since it's been revealed to me about my mother's history and how much it connects to mine and how I can live from here. I still grieve. We haven't talked about it since that day. I think it just hurts her so much. There's so much to put a bandage on. As for me, I don't know if I have developed a hate for a her family but i still grieve quietly. I know deep down I have some things to resolve with her. On top of all of this, I think I'm loosing touch for his attention.

I don't know what's going on in my head. I'm easily frustrated, thinking of a million things, worrying about tomorrow, wondering, tired, sad all the time! I don't know. I have a million lists of things to do and feel like I'm the only one that cares about accomplishing it. To top it all off, I'm 7 months pregnant! Is this the baby blues? Can I get mad at my husband?? I just don't know. Please pray for me!!!

Mama, what do you want me to see Black and white picture of thee? You look so young and who are these? Unknown people to me... Who are they? Are they family? I do not know them really Mama, what do you want me to see in this photo you look so young but not so free With that smile that is so fake You couldn't even cover it with another take Mama, what do you want me to see In this photo of a young you What is it in this picture so true Yes, you smile but not so genuine Not even a smile of a heroine Mama, what do you want me to see Why so sad in your eyes and teary I can feel the sadness and pain What is it? give it a name This photo black and white On your face it shines just right but what I see is not good because you look so sad and stiff as wood Mama, what do you want me to see I know you're hiding but please not from me Just this moment I appreciate you more Now I know you need my love for sure I wish I could have protected you then From the pits of darkness of a man Mama,

Today, it's raining again. It seems like Mr. Sun doesn't ever want to come out. Some days Mr. Sun and Ms. Clouds are fighting for the right to be in the sky. Anyway, the weather in my life? Sometimes I'm good...sometimes I'm not. Being a Full-mommy has it's challenges. It's been really difficult for me because I have always been independent...And now I'm taking care of 2 individuals... I came across a blog that I wrote 5-6 years ago. I know right! But I'm so grateful for the time that I can revisit my writings. I remember years ago that I also wrote that I will have these writings available for my children because I think it would be a great way for them to intimately know their mother. To read her thoughts and maybe be transported to how she felt that certain moment, that certain day, that certain time. Anyway, here's the blog below...I also need a "refreshment", revisit the past and meditate. March 4, 2004, 9:20am OLYMPICS 2004 ATH

....I will put up something soon... after i organize my living space...

now born Javee's blogspot! hahaha